WHHHOOOOOOOOT!
I damn near jumped out of my skin.
It was the third time they blasted those damn steam whistles since we left the docks at Spanish Square. The Square sits on the river, right on the edge of the French Quarter. This is the third time they’ve blown that thing, and I’m still jumping like a meth-head cat. I don’t know if I’m still skittish from the incident at the St. Martin jail or if it’s just good old cop nerves, but I find myself jumping at small things – much less a Paddle Boat steam whistle.
I booked a riverboat cruise to throw in a little adventure at one of my far too infrequent days off. Anna and I had both been working like dogs, and we hadn’t had a full day together in months. So, when our calendars and the stars finally aligned, I was determined to take full advantage of it.
Anna laughs at my jumpiness.
“Wow. You wouldn’t think you were a big, bad detective, now would you? What’s the old expression? ‘You’re jumpier than a whore in a Pentecostal church’? Yeah, that would be you today. So what’s going on with my big, brave detective?
“Ah, nothing. It must just be the pain meds,” I sigh as I rub my aching shoulder.
I know it isn’t the pain meds. As a matter of fact, the pain meds are the only thing keeping my fat ass in the seat. Without them, that whistle would have launched me into the river.
Anna gives me an understanding smile.
“How ‘bout I go get us another round of drinks to help soothe those cat-like reflexes.”
“Sounds good.”
I know you’re not supposed to drink on pain meds. But my liver seems OK with it, and so am I. Besides, I’m able to take less meds when I chase ‘em a bourbon kicker.
Anna gets up and walks toward the stairs that lead to the bar downstairs. I watch her walk away and feel a big grin on my face. The view of Anna walking away isn’t as good as when she walks toward me. Nothing could be better than seeing that gorgeous face and those fun-bags heading in my direction. That being said, Anna still has a really nice back end. And I was going to take every opportunity I could to admire it. The Demerol running through my bloodstream agreed wholeheartedly.
I can hear the band downstairs kick off a rendition of the “Basin Street Parade.” They’re a Dixieland style band. Not my favorite form of Jazz, but it gives the boat a feeling of having voyaged back into the 18th century. I like it. Nostalgia is very important to us old guys.
Anna returns a few minutes later with the drinks. We had decided earlier to go full-boat Southern and drink nothing but Mint Juleps the entire trip.
“Yoah Mint Julep sauh. I do hope you find it delightful,” Anna says in her best Southern Bell drawl. Just when I thought she couldn’t get any sexier. I don’t know which turns me on more: a Southern Bell drawl or an English accent. Either one brings a great big smile to this crusty old bastard’s face.
“Whyyyy thank ya mah deah,” I return in my best Rhett Butler dialect. I botch it, of course. Anytime I try to do accents, I eventually end up sounding like Count Dracula.
I let the Dixieland music and the chugging of the steam engine wash over me as I watch the banks of the Mississippi go slowly drifting by. We pass old battlegrounds and oak-lined plantations. Anna and I just sip and smile as we admire the view on a beautiful Louisiana afternoon. This is good. I needed to unplug for a while. I needed to forget that I had looked evil in the eye… and it damn near tore my arm from my body.
I can feel the bourbon chasing the Demerol through my bloodstream, and I’m suddenly beginning to feel downright goofy. I look over at my love and notice how the sunlight is highlighting that beautiful Italian face of hers. My new goofy state is now being followed by a rush of head-to-toe warm fuzzies.
“I love you soooo, much,” I smile with a big, silly grin and unfocused eyes. Anna turns to me and bursts into a laugh.
“You, Sir, are loopy!”
“Like a big pair of Mardi Gras beads,” I reply. The comparison makes a lot of sense to me for some reason.
“Well, l love you, too – you big goofball,” Anna says as she squeezes my knee. “I have to say, it’s nice seeing my fiancé letting his grey hair down again. It’s been too long since I’ve seen you unwind,” Anna says with a wink. Then her expression shows a flash of concern.
“So, how’s the shoulder feeling?”
I pause for too long as I struggle for something smart-ass to say. I finally settle for the obvious.
“What shoulder?” I reply with a grin. Then I look down at my sling. “Oh damn. What happened here?”
Anna cackles.
“Oh, I am loving this! I think I’ll pull out my camera and get some video to blackmail you with. It could come in handy after we’re married.”
“You take all the video you want, baby.”
I can feel my tongue getting a little thick as I try to annunciate. Then I get what strikes me as a brilliant idea.
“Hey! I know what we should do! Let’s get married right now on the riverboat! The captain could do it. It’d be great!”
Anna laughs again.
“Well, aren’t you the hopeless romantic! However, as much as I can’t wait to be Mrs. Roy Dobransky, I am not going to have to hold my betrothed upright while we’re taking our vows. I want you good and sober when you look me in the eye and say, ‘I do’.”
“Fair enough, Beautiful,” I slur. “As long as you’re not saving yourself for our wedding night.”
“I think we’re way past that point, Studly.”
“Oh yeah. I forgot,” I grin. “How was I?”
Anna just giggles and goes back to watching the riverbanks pass by, and I go back to admiring her beauty. All I want to do is make love to this woman right here and now. I suddenly cannot wait to get off this riverboat.
As irony would have it, I don’t even remember getting off the damn riverboat. The next morning, Anna fills me in on the rest of our cruise down the Mississippi. Apparently, my first insistence was for us to dance a few. She said I danced like a bear with a concussion. Then Anna tells me the afternoon concluded with her stumbling me to the taxi just in time for me to pass out in the back seat. Once we got home, Anna tells me she was able to revive me long enough to get me to bed – and that was the extent of our romantic evening.
I confessed to Anna that I didn’t remember much. That there were many, many blanks in our Mint Julep afternoon. Of course, Anna was more than happy to inform me that she had plenty of video footage to help me fill in those blanks.